As human beings, we use our brains to organize and categorize things both within ourselves and the world in which we exist. Many times because of this ability we go even further and organize ourselves and other key players in our world into a variety of systems that can give us even more clarity about the role in which we play as individuals. Our self-defined roles and other key players within this personal system then interact in cycles making for both beneficial and detrimental effects for all involved.

Domestic Violence Cycle

The detrimental effects of some cycles will come to redefine us as individuals because we lose our clarity and ourselves within them. As these cycles progress, we become puppets and through no fault of our own we become victims and the longer we remain trapped, the harder it is to break free. I found myself in one of these cycles for ten years, and after I had left, I did not know the person that looked back at me in the mirror. I had to start over from scratch to rebuild what I lost and then reintegrate them into the survivor I have become.

Trauma Recovery~

One thing I discovered early on in the healing process was the feeling inside of a tightly coiled spring becoming uncoiled slowly.   This metaphor describes what I was experiencing related to the trauma that I lived through. During my ten year relationship, I existed inside a constant state of flight or fight. This survival instinct is hard wired into every human being. This instinct is only meant to trigger in times of crisis or potential loss of life.  Your behavior, feeling, senses and thinking no longer work in a healthy way.

Domestic violence on a regular basis makes a victim go into shutdown mode similar to a circuit breaker that goes off when too much energy surges s through an electrical system. The victim’s nervous system becomes overloaded. Once this happens, you exist on auto-pilot. You are emotionally numb and your intellectual capacity diminishes. Your physical body also experiences a shutdown I found this to be the case during my relationship I had no flare ups of my sciatic pain which had plagued me for years. If this happens enough over time, you experience learned helplessness where you no longer try to escape.

Eventually though I was spurred to leave and I did (with a lot of help from many people). The next stage I went through immediately after the “shock” of leaving was a gradual return to having feelings. I felt safe for the first time but I had to do much work towards recognizing and working with the emotional triggers I was left with because of the violence. I experienced nightmares and suffered from a dissociative state whenever I experienced something that reminded me of the trauma. Through therapy and the compassion of others I began to release the trauma in healthy ways. Trauma release is even now an ongoing work in progress but I am a hell of a lot better than I was before.

I took constructive action to end my connection with my spouse quickly and with little fuss. I filed for divorce and went through the court system to obtain a protective order and began to address my disastrous financial situation. These were all major steps, but the smallest steps were even harder at times. The thought of spending a day in bed reading rather than hustling towards the next thing was agony, but I learned to do it again. “I” was the person who made decisions for me, no one else.   Regaining a sense of control over my life was remarkable. I am now actively in the fourth stage of recovery re-connecting and reintegration. The tightly coiled spring I described previously is beginning to unwind but I still have some distance to go and the one step forward- two steps back dance has become my signature dance.   It is a beautiful thing.

Healing from trauma is different for each one of us, and there is no right or wrong way to do it and the process can non-linear in nature too. Recovery from the trauma of any kind can make you a different person than you were before the experience. Mine deepened my faith in shamanism, in people, in life and made me believe in magic again.

If you are a victim of domestic violence go to the following website Domestic Violence Hotline  This is the website for the National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-7233.  Breaking the silence is the first step towards help and healing.